Category: Comedy

@OzzieGuillen joins #Marlins on #Twitter – Parody

*** WARNING MATURE CONTENT ***
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
#ICanHonestlySay Thank you chicago y all the fans OzzieGuillen.com
14 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
All my players from 04 to 11 thanks very much for all the help and u friendship trainers coaches clubys security vendors from ofices people
13 minutes ago
 
 
KennyWilliams Kenny Williams
@ozzieGuillen Last and least? *sniff*
13 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
#ICanHonestlySay i love my people in chitown but love family and sun in #miami
13 minutes ago
 
 
OneyGuillen Oney Guillen
#mlb #baseball #whitesox #haters @ozzieguillen Thanks dad 🙂 🙂 🙂
12 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
sun not u son but love u son
12 minutes ago
 
 
OneyGuillen Oney Guillen
@ozzieguillen Thanks dad…
11 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
Hello #Miami
11 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
I can’t believe all of the planned festivities & former @Marlins players in town to see me surpass the 70,000 follower mark!
11 minutes ago
 
 
PeteyPipes Bryan Petersen
@OzzieGuillen Hi Coach!
11 minutes ago
 
 
MikeStanton27 Mike Stanton
@OzzieGuillen Hi Coach!
10 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@LoMoMarlins They here 2 hear me but will be here for u 2
10 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@OzzieGuillen You got it Boss!
10 minutes ago
 
 
bmarshall19 Brandon Marshall
I’m going to the Marlins games just to see @OzzieGuillen. Nice pick up
10 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@bmarshall19 what up bro thanks for support I will come to dolphins game and watch u ur a beast
10 minutes ago
 
 
JayCutler6 Jay Cutler
Tell me about it…#sadface “@OzzieGuillen: @bmarshall19 what up bro thanks for support I will come to dolphins game and watch u ur a beast
9 minutes ago
 
 
WaddleandSilvy Waddle and Silvy
Dueling press conferences. A Waddle and Silvy first. Jay Cutler and Ozzie Guillen speaking at same time. We’ll bounce between both
9 minutes ago
 
 
bmarshall19 Brandon Marshall
Mom I made it. I just got tweeted back by @OzzieGuillen. #Sweet
9 minutes ago
 
 
bags David Bags
@LoMoMarlins I can’t wait to see you and @OzzieGuillen take over the Twitterverse with #Marlins tweets! See you next year on Opening Day.
9 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@OzzieGuillen @bags They may actually name the new stadium the TwitterDome after all…
9 minutes ago
 
 
dougglanville Doug Glanville
@LoMoMarlins @OzzieGuillen Given the financial constraints, #Twitter is a cheap way to advertise.
9 minutes ago
 
 
JeffLoria Jeff Loria
No comment @LoMoMarlins @OzzieGuillen @espn @fox @FoxSportsSouth @FSMidwest @MLBOnFox @FoxSportsLat @FoxSportsWest @MLBOnFox @dougglanville
8 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
Oh no we won’t. RT “@LoMoMarlins “@OzzieGuillen @bags They may actually name the new stadium the TwitterDome after all…”
8 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@OzzieGuillen #quietlikeabunny
8 minutes ago
 
 
michaelhill michaelhill
@OzzieGuillen @DaveSamson @LoMoMarlins This is a great day in #Marlins history so we will be respectful of our heritage.
8 minutes ago
 
 
dougglanville Doug Glanville
Starts taking #Marlins notes…
8 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
wow lol who u egg? “@OzzieGuillen @DaveSamson @LoMoMarlins This is a great day in #Marlins history so we will be respectful of our heritage.”
7 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@OzzieGuillen Michael Hill is the interim GM. Our boss. #carefuler
7 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins Situation’s under control.
7 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson Yes sir.
7 minutes ago
 
 
michaelhill michaelhill
@OzzieGuillen ‘People are waiting for you to make a mistake. They’re going to bait you on Twitter to say something inappropriate that you can never take back.
6 minutes ago
 
 
JackMcKeonIRC Jack_McKeon
/msg #marlins ex I like Ozzie. I’m going to have to like him right?
6 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
hi jack love u bro still here? @JackMcKeonIRC “/msg #marlins ex I like Ozzie. I’m going to have to like him right?”
6 minutes ago
 
 
JoshWillingham Josh Willingham
#marlinsex @JackMcKeononIRC Coach?
6 minutes ago
 
 
JackMcKeonIRC Jack_McKeon
/msg #marlins ex I’ll still be on call out of loyalty t
6 minutes ago
 
 
JimmyRollins11 Jimmy Rollins
@LoMoMarlins @DaveSamson @MichaelHill @OzzieGuillen lol haaaa RT “@JackMcKeonIRC /msg #marlins ex I’ll still be on call out of loyalty t”
5 minutes ago
 
 
dougglanville Doug Glanville
@jimmyrollins11 You’d think they would’ve learned about the power of the RT since last time…
5 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@LoMoMarlins @DaveSamson @MichaelHill @OzzieGuillen @jimmyrollins11 I am loyal http://wp.me/p1NXKl-U #cringe #flashback HTP
5 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@JackMcKeonIRC love you but #Miami #Marlins family my family now and i love my family 1st
5 minutes ago
 
 
OneyGuillen Oney Guillen
@ozzieguillen Thanks dad…
5 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@OzzieGuillen JUst found out that tonight was my last game as a #Florida #Marlin but did not mean that!
4 minutes ago
 
 
BetOnCubs2015 Go Cubbies
@OzzieGuillen back 2 futur II say cubies kick ur ass 2015! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnmw6K1H-gQ yay
4 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@betoncubs2015 #miami = more stinky games at #wrigley #ihaterats #ihatecubs #ihateu #twit u #twitnoob fuk
4 minutes ago
 
 
JackMcKeonIRC Jack_McKeon
.msg #marlins ex I’ll still be on call out of loyalty to marlinsex organization
4 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@JackMcKeonIRC wtf? u gay?
4 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@MichaelHill You can put Jack to bed and retire him now. @OzzieGuillen you will be disciplined tomorrow.
4 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@davesamson u mad bro?
3 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@OzzieGuillen I am not your bro. New #marlins Orientation for @ozzieGuillen tomorrow in @JeffLoria’s office
3 minute ago
 
 
dougglanville Doug Glanville
@DaveSamson And my exclusive? I have #marlins notes.
3 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@davesamson @dougglanville wtf I do?
3 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@dougglanville Yes. Usual fee.
2 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@kennywilliams help?
2 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@OzzieGuillen End of Line.
2 minutes ago
 
 
JayCutler6 Jay Cutler
@bmarshall19 Where did everybody go? #sadface
1 minute ago
 
 
bmarshall19 Brandon Marshall
@JayCutler6 @OzzieGuillen told #gayjoke on #twitter and getting disciplined already #newrecord
1 minute ago
 
 
JayCutler6 Jay Cutler
@bmarshall19 #gayjokes are not cool. Should stop #gayjokes.
1 minute ago
 
 
SouthParkStan Stan Marsh
@JayCutler6 You suck but my dad says you might be good someday. #whatever Go #Broncos!
50 seconds ago
 
 
JayCutler6 Jay Cutler
@bmarshall19 Never mind back to #gayjokes… gonna get tackled on Sunday unless I get some protection #please #bears
28 seconds ago
 
 
JoshWillingham Josh Willingham
@JackMcKeonIRC @OzzieGuillen Coach?…
1 second ago
 
 
COMMENTARY: Just like the last one, I put a lot of work into this and hope people enjoy it without being overly offended. I respect everyone mentioned (except maybe, sorta Jeff Loria and Brandon Marshall). I also think Ozzie will be an awesome Marlins manager (if he can survive). All impersonations of tweets were done without permission but with the intent to have some good fun. Please do not read this little parody and assume I had some inside knowledge or feeling on any of the parties mentioned.

@LoMoMarlins Tweets #Baseball Lawsuit to #Marlins – Parody

*** WARNING MATURE CONTENT ***
 
  LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
#ICanHonestlySay I sued the #Marlins #business #sadface
21 minutes ago
 
 
 DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins Supp Logan! #Marlins Prez here. Why u du dat Mo? U mad?
13 minutes ago
 
 
  LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson Protecting my rights. Why are you typing like that?
13 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins I’m keeping it real. Getting down with the tweet. So don’t sue.
11 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson Rough year personally but was 2nd on OPS on Marlins. Told by @WesHelms I could miss charity auction, then demoted?
11 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins We thought it best.
11 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson Who is ‘we’? @JeffLoria ?
11 minutes ago
 
 
JeffLoria Jeff Loria
No comment @LoMoMarlins @DaveSamson @espn @fox @FoxSportsSouth @FSMidwest @MLBOnFox @FoxSportsLat @Fox SportsWest @MLBOnFox @rootsportspit
9 minutes ago
  
jonahkeri Jonah Keri
@JeffLoria Oh my god, you killed Youppi!
9 minutes ago
 
 
SouthParkKyle Kyle Broflovski
@JeffLoria You bastard!
9 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins Doesn’t matter who ‘we’ is. We felt it was best for the organization. Evidence times 88 http://tinyurl.com/3c6vsbx 
 9 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson @JeffLoria You’re just upset I have more Twitter followers than you have sold season tickets.
9 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins Half of them are spam bots. Really want that #iPad2 huh?
8 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson Too busy working out, hitting home runs and getting on base to ban people. @JeffLoria Still there?
8 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins He’s busy. Went back to his office to stop and smell the roses in a painting he just bought.
8 minutes ago
 
 
JackMcKeonIRC Jack_McKeon
 /join #marlins8 minutes ago
 
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@JackMcKeonIRC …? “JackMcKeonIRC /join #marlins”
8 minutes ago
 
 
michaelhill michaelhill
@LoMoMarlins We got it, Logan. You can head back to the gym now.
7 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@JackMcKeonIRC @LoMoMarlins Hang on Jack.
7 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@MichaelHill Already did that, as ‘you’ and everyone else should know. Twice the curls since you demoted me.
7 minutes ago
 
 
michaelhill michaelhill
@LoMoMarlins You’re not being fair. @JeffLoria ‘s always been good to you. Even let you use his jet.
6 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@MichaelHill Yeah and I appreciate that, still I don’t want it to happen again. So I sue you.
6 minutes ago
 
 
AlYankovic Al Yankovic
@LoMoMarlins @MichaelHill #Marlins Leavin’ on a Jet Plane!
6 minutes ago
 
 
michaelhill michaelhill
@AlYankovic Al, pal, stay out of this. @LoMoMarlins You can still move your fingers, so find something else to do other than Twitter.
5 minutes ago
 
 
JackMcKeonIRC Jack_McKeon
lcd run C://Windows/Program Files/Twitter/Readme.txt
5 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@JackMcKeonIRC Wow lol oh lord U make our life fun
5 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@MichaelHill And you think I’m embarassing??? “@JackMcKeonIRC lcd run C://Windows/Program Files/Twitter/Readme.txt”
5 minutes ago
 
 
 dougglanville Doug Glanville
@JackMcKeonIRC @LoMoMarlins @OzzieGuillen Jack’s on IRC. It’s a chat system popular in the late 80s and early 90s but still used
5 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@dougglanville Thanks…
5 minutes ago
 
 
JackMcKeonIRC Jack_McKeon
/whois @DougGlanville
4 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson @MichaelHill Are you helping Jack out?
4 minutes ago
 
 
JackMcKeonIRC Jack_McKeon
/msg #exmarlins Hi everyone!
4 minutes ago
 
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson @MichaelHill Hello?…
4 minutes ago
 
 
 
JimmyRollins11 Jimmy Rollins
@JackMcKeonIRC @LoMoMarlins @DaveSamson @MichaelHill lol
4 minutes ago
 
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@JimmyRollins11 @DaveSamson @MichaelHill J-Roll, just wait till next year!
3 minutes ago
 
 
 
JimmyRollins11 Jimmy Rollins
@LoMoMarlins #mlbtraderumors we got room for u
3 minutes ago
 
 
 
AlYankovic Al Yankovic
@MichaelHill @JimmyRollins11 – @LoMoMarlins don’t know if he’ll be back again…
3 minutes ago
 
 
JackMcKeonIRC Jack_McKeon
/msg #marlinsex Hi everyone!
3 minutes ago
 
 
 
JimmyRollins11 Jimmy Rollins
@LoMoMarlins @DaveSamson @MichaelHill @DougGlanville lol haaaa RT “@JackMcKeonIRC /msg #marlinsex Hi everyone!”
3 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
@LoMoMarlins @DaveSamson @MichaelHill @DougGlanville what shit @JackMcKeonIRC u say wtf?
3 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@OzzieGuillen How come I can’t get away with it?
3 minutes ago
 
 
JoshWillingham Josh Willingham
@JackMcKeonIRC #marlinsex Hi Coach! I’m in Oakland. Real Athletic now! May I follow and DM you? 🙂
3 minutes ago
 
 
AlYankovic Al Yankovic
@OzzieGuillen @JimmyRollins11 @LoMoMarlins @JackMcKeon @JoshWillingham His bags are packed, he’s ready to blow.
2 minutes ago
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
Is it ok to ban your boss from your Twitter? Replies needed ASAP!!!
2 minutes ago
 
 
OzzieGuillen Ozzie Guillen
U mad bro? RT “@LoMoMarlinsIs it ok to ban your boss from your Twitter? Replies needed ASAP!!!”
2 minutes ago
 
dougglanville Doug Glanville
@LoMoMarlins @DaveSamson @MichaelHill It’s almost too easy to write about this. @NYTimes or @ESPN?
2 minutes ago
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@dougglanville Follow me so I can DM. You were union right?
2 minutes ago
 
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins Situation’s under control. @dougglanville I have a better idea…
1 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@dougglanville Follow me so I can DM. You were union right?
1 minutes ago
 
 
WesHelms Wes Helms
@LoMoMarlins So was I. #oops
1 minutes ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DougGlanville Open appeal. Write about my suit, I’ll give an interview and RTs and followers.
54 seconds ago
 
dougglanville Doug Glanville
@LoMoMarlins Sorry, got a deadline. Keep in touch, k?
50 seconds ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson I didn’t do anything. Just announcing my suit till Jack got whacky. Didn’t even ban him.
41 seconds ago
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins and @MichaelHill and @JackMcKeonIRC to @JeffLoria ‘s office tomorrow.
30 seconds ago
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson @MichaelHill @JeffLoria But wait! Please reconsider. #beg #sorry #forgive
25 seconds ago
 
DaveSamson Dave Samson
@LoMoMarlins End of Line.
24 seconds ago
 
 
LoMoMarlins Logan Morrison
@DaveSamson Yes sir.
20 seconds ago
 
 
AlYankovic Al Yankovic
#marlinsex down in Flor-i-da where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
10 seconds ago
 
JoshWillingham Josh Willingham
@JackMcKeon Coach?… Lose link?
3 minutes ago
 
 
 
 
COMMENTARY: I put a lot of work into this so I hope you enjoyed this. I respect everyone mentioned (except maybe, sorta Jeff Loria). All impersonations of tweets were done without permission but with the intent to have some good fun. Please do not read this little parody and assume I had some inside knowledge or feeling on any of the parties mentioned.
 
For a very well written, touching piece on Logan Morrison and the Marlins ownership, please check out Amy K. Nelson’s fine article at http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=110915/loganmorrison
 
Richard Bergstrom

Jordan Zimmerman’s Sing-A-Long Blog – A Parody “A Man’s Gotta Do”

Jordan Zimmerman:
A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Don’t go through rehab if you can’t follow through.
All the dollars, taking dollars, into my own hands.
Soon I’ll control my curveball.
My contract’s your demand.

Stephen Strasburg:
Stand back basebal fans, nothing here to see!
There was fadin’ attendance but now in the middle of it, me!
Yes Stephen Strasburg’s here, hair blowin’ in the breeze.
Baseball needs my pitchin’ expertise!

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
It seems MLB begins with me attractin’ you.
The only doom that’s looming is the pitch count over my head.
So I’ll give you a sec to catch your breath.

Bud Selig:
Thank you Strasburg, man. I don’t think I can explain how important it was that you joined the Nats. They would be contracted. MLB would be decreased. Thank you sir for never usin’ PEDs!

Strasburg:  Don’t worry about it – A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Selig: You came from California.
Zimmerman: Are you kidding?

Strasburg: It seems MLB begins with me attractin’ you.
Selig: I wonder what awards you’ll win.
Strasburg: Which amateur draft were you watching?

Strasburg: When you’re the ace, you can’t be paced. What’s the use?
Selig: Our TV ratings are growing by a ton!
Zimmerman: Did you notice that he looks like Mark Prior?

Strasburg: The only doom that’s looming is your fans loving me to death.
Selig: Assuming I’m not loving you to death.
Zimmerman: Whaat-e-vah!

Strasburg: So please give me a sec to catch my breath.
Selig: Please give me a sec to catch my breath.

Strasburg: Ow.

Zimmerman: Tommy John!

Alex Rodriguez on Rounders – A Parody

Listen, here’s the thing. If you can’t spot the star in your first half hour on the field, then you are the star. Griffey would tell ya, If you play for a living, it’s like any other job. You don’t gamble, you grind it out. Your goal is to win one award a career. That’s it. Get your reputation in when you have the best of it, protect it from the media when you don’t then live out your life as a coach. Don’t give anything away. That’s how I got my way through the Seattle Mariners, a true grinder. See, I learned how to win an award or two a time. But finally I’ve learned this, if you’re too careful, your whole life can become a grind.

This is Buddy MLB’s place. You won’t find it in the yellow pages.

“Another All-Star, Alex?”

“Nope, Buddy not tonight. Give me a triple crown.”

“Three stakes of high society. Count it… So you’re upsetting the Big Apple? Good. Want a Cracker Jack box?”

He doesn’t look like much, but Buddy MLB is connected all the way to the top of baseball. He’s the one guy in the game you don’t want to mess with. But if you’re looking to be a star, this is the only place in town. They all know me as a small market player, but that’s about to change.

Jose Canseco is a baseball legend. He’s been in the record books, earning his living off that reputation since he was 18 years old.

“What are you, holding that reputation for somebody?”

“Yeah, Jose, I’m holding it for you.”

“You should be, because I hope you’re not thinking about putting all that glimmer in play.” He’s as close to a friend as there is in this place. But tonight, I don’t want to see him.

“Come here. You don’t want to butt sound-bytes with these guys. Coz they’ll chew you up and blackball you.”

“So you say, Jose.”

“There’s plenty of easy ways, Alex. We get outta here, get some All-Stars, run over to Costas on NBC.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“You’re making a run at it aren’t you? Rolling up the stakes and going to the record books. Am I right, Alex? Right?”

“I can beat the game.”

“Maybe, maybe this is a game that can be beat, but you know you can put in your ten at Yankee Stadium and let Jeter win the World Series MVP in the House that Ruth Built…Ok, I understand. I understand. Back to battle.”

The game in question is No-Limit Cooperstown Hold’em. minimum buy-in five year career. A game like this doesn’t come together often on the West Coast. The stakes attract free agents, and they in turn attract the media.

No limit Cooperstown Hold’em is the Vin Scully of baseball. Each player is dealt two cards of retired baseball numbers face down. Five cards are then dealt face up across the middle. These are community cards everyone can use to make their best five card hand for the media. The key to the game is looking like a star, not the cards.

There’s no other game in which reputations can change so much from hand to hand. A brilliant player can get a strong image cracked from a sound byte, get an asterisk on their numbers and lose their voters along with every single shred of rep in front of him. This is why voting for the Hall of Fame is determined by the media. Some players, pros even, won’t play for Cooperstown. they can’t handle the swings. But there are others, like Willie Mays, who consider Cooperstown the only pure award left.

Like Papa used to say, life is on the wire, the rest is just waiting for the cards to be dealt.

“I’m going to raise, I’ll bet an MVP.”

“It’s a position raise, I call it.”

The flop comes Reggie Jackson (44) and Joe DiMaggio (5) of Yankees, Bill Terry (3) of Giants.

Here’s the beauty of this game, I just got two pair with McCovey (44) and Brett (5), forty-fours and fives on the flop and I want to keep him in the hand.

“Go Ah-Rod”, Buddy belches out.

Against your average guy, I’d set a bunt trap, hardly bet my rep at all, but Buddy MLB is too smart for that. So what I’ve got to do is Zimmer the pot, rush it and look like I’m trying to buy it. Then he plays back at me and I get paid off.

“I bet 700 home runs.”

Buddy brings a cracker jack to his ear, listening to it. Then, he drops it on his tongue and slurps it into his mouth. Crunch. “Call.”

My guess is Buddy’s on a Yankee draw.

“Burn and turn,” Buddy orders.

There’s my money card, Carl Berger (5) of Marlins. I got a full house.

Buddy says, “Checking the better.”

“Check’s good,” Now i hope a Yankee falls and Buddy flushes his Yankees, then he’ll bet strong and I’ll beat him with my forty-fours full of fives.

The river comes, Billy Martin (1) of Yankees.

Bud leans forward, “I bet. Your $252 million contract didn’t change a last place team.”

“Time.” I want him to think I’m pondering a call, but all I’m thinking of is Cooperstown and renaming the Hall of Fame to A Rodriguez World.

“Alright Buddy, I see your $252 mil but I’ll be a team player by moving to third base. Um. Yeah I’m going to go all-in because I don’t think you need the Yankees.”

“You’re right, I don’t need the Yankees.”

I know before the cards are even turned over…
Buddy flips up Aaron (44) of Braves, Aaron (44) of Brewers for a better full house.

“Aaron’s clean, Alex.”

*

“I’m down to the tabloids, Jose. I lost my rep. I lost my fans…”

“Happens to everyone Alex, from time to time, everyone goes bust. You’ll be back on 60 Minutes and writing a book about it before you know it.”

“Nah I’m done.”

“Here, let me stake you. 50% of a pay-per-view boxing match. You lose more rep, blame me.”

“I’d just throw those fans away, Jose. You still got the number for Peter Gammons?”